the answer

the dust settles and suddenly all is clear

take my hand and together we'll run

together we'll escape all this shit

and all this...fake

together we'll run

forever we'll run

until we reach the end

Scream

I'm screaming at you to see me and for you to accept me. I try to make you happy and to help you and what do I get? Contempt, disgust, hate. Well, maybe not hate. But something tight rope walking the line between dislike and "why are you here?" So I try to forget, and as I watch us on rewind that smile flashes across the screen. Even for that millisecond...I love you even more. My hands shake, my breath tightens and my thoughts race. I don't know what to do except to cry. So I cry. I cry for that time when we went to the dolphins and we talked about life when whole way there. I cry for when you held my hand at the movies. But mostly, I cry for us. For what we weren't and will probably never be. 

Late Night Creation

I bet I didn't laugh at enough of his jokes.

Or that my shirt wasn't quite low enough.

Or that I waited too long before I told him how I felt.

Something that SHE deleted! I'm not sure if I should be shocked by her actions or thankful for her giving me a second chance. I almost drove him away but she hit the reset button on us. But what if I didn't want her to push it? What if I wanted him to reject me because at least then I could have had the satisfaction of a legitimate answer. It's been three years and all I've gotten has been vague "maybe"s and the "what-if"s start to pile up in my head and all I want, no: need, is a rubber stamp yes or no. A satisfying, fufilling yes or no. I need legitimacy in my life, not being stuck in limbo. I'm in a place where I'm not sure if I want you, hate you or need you because that opinion changes day to day. I want you when I watch Twilight because I feel your hand in mine but it also makes me hate you because I cry whenever I watch it and you aren't there. And I need you when I'm alone and I think of something that would make you smile that smile that makes me weak in the knees and makes my whole day just a little bit brighter. I always say to people and to myself that "I've moved on, I'm over him, don't worry" but without a definite answer I'm never positive in what I say. The words just sort of fall out and right after I say them I want to pull them back in, like the magicians that stuff the huge long scarf into their mouths then pull it back in really fast.

Can I be a magician? Then I can just make you appear and make you be in love with me and make it all happy! right?

What I Wanted To Say

I wanted to say:

“Logan, I know that we’re leaving tomorrow and my timing couldn’t be worse and that you are going to ask Jackie out when you see her next, but I wanted to let you know that I still really like you. Since Thanksgiving, at least. Before you say anything I want to say that I know that you are going to say that, ‘I live too far away; It would never work’ but that if you ever change your mind, I’m here. I’ve liked you for this long, so what’s a little longer?”{names have been changed!}

Then I would walk away before you could reject me and as I turned away you would grab my hand and spin me around and kiss me. The perfect kiss; not too passionate but also tender and romantic. Then we would stand there for a moment with out foreheads touching, me with a goofy, stunned and happy look on my face and you with a serene smile on yours.

“Athena, I’ve been waiting so long to do that, you have no idea”

Then the music starts playing and the credits roll.

Because unless you have a serious head injury and forget all the times that we’ve messed up, this will never happen.

I miss you.

Call me.

awkward silence

the air that it fills

does not compare to

the memories that if digs up

a time to remember is a

time of danger

emotional wounds being

ripped open as

the love bleeds out

of me.

ignorance is bliss

but what is bliss?

bliss is a time when you are not in my mind

when the only thing separating us was

400 miles, not a dinner table

you pop in and out when you

are convenienced to

so screw you

you heart breaker

deal maker

lying, conniving, cheating

ex-boyfriend.

Direction

You zig when I expect you to zag and once in a while?

You zag, just to throw me off.

I'm never quite sure how to act when you do that, just because I wasn't prepared for it. Sometimes I wonder if you do it just to mess with me, or if you are genuinely that ignorant.

It's really confusing when someone doesn't catch on...AT ALL!

I don't know what to do, so help me out.

Eden

the cute outfits & funny jokes,

it’s all for you.

the long message and sleepless nights,

it’s all for you.

I see us in my dreams

strolling together holding hands,

but that is just a fantasy.

Hold me in your arms and

tell me you love me too.

Four hundred miles is but a

step. a single step.
I blink and before my eyes are

open your arms are around me

and your smell engulfs me

and in that moment

anyone who has ever said that

Eden doesn’t exist is wrong.

Because I have found heaven

on earth in your arms.

Effort

At least I’m trying! You just sit there like you are the shit and, in my eyes you might be, but at least give me a chance.

I might have been a little awkward

at first but it’s only because I’m trying

to play it cool and not make a fool of myself.

At least give me something to work with! Not just a smile, but a little ‘hello’ wouldn’t hurt!

Please, please! I’m begging you here, put in a little effort!

 

 

Please?

Gone

I’m sick and tired of always checking my appearance and trying to look awesome for some guy who would rather punch someone than take the time to care.

 

You had your chance.

Granted, your smile still makes me weak in the knees, but I don’t want to deal anymore and can’t deal anymore.

 

I’m out.

 

PEACE!

hurt

It will never ever ever ever ever ever happen, and I know that. Yet I still hurt when it doesn’t, cry when I’m close and bitch when it’s all over. It always falls apart yet I persist. I push on for ‘true love’ and ‘destiny’ and knowing how bad it will hurt. I’m a god damned masochist, for christ’s sake! I long for a time without you, yet I can’t see a future without you. You are the reason I wake up, even though it hurts.

Just Jump

Every breath is like taking a bullet.

I sit and wait but no answer.

I burn, I pine, I perish

You are the only one, now and ever

Only...I helped burn Constantinople to the ground and now I have to pay

I carried the torch to the armory and stood back, smiling as it went up in flames.

The rubble carries memories, the ash in the air leaves a message.

Don't hesitate, don't think. 

Just Jump

Maybe

Maybe I just put all my effort into it

Maybe it was just a fantasy.

I have dreams about us, and I tell myself we are all wrong

I miss when it was simple

Maybe you and I just never have the right timing

I just don't want to end up kicking myself for letting my soulmate get away

I just don't want to lose you.

Pain

I never really realized how bad it felt until now. It was just waiting for that recognition and then it sprung, hooking me with its sharp claws. Never letting go, never relenting, always there. Just...there. It hurts like nobody can ever imagine. It is something that I wish upon no one, ever, in any time. It is a hurt that is physical, mental and emotional. Your smile makes my side ache, your eyes keep me awake at night, your laugh takes the taste out of food. Your dimples make my legs hurt, your bad jokes give me headaches and your smell makes my knees hurt. And yet, despite all that, I would never ever want it to go away, because it is all you, all the time. And that is what I like the most, having some part of you around all the time.

Pedestal

surrounded by flowers in the shape of lies.

on top because of failure.

an iridescent glow that radiates shame.

a gown made of pushing and shoving, embroidered with hurt.

shoes that compliment her yearn for control.

make-up that makes her regret really pop.

Questions for the Oracle

Why do I cry when I miss you? Why do I have to hold myself together when I think about you? Why are you so amazingly perfect that not even Edward Cullen can distract me from the thought of your face? Why are you so hard to forget, regret and give up? How is it that even after three years I still can’t give up that tiny little thread of hope that we could be together?

Regret

I listen to these songs in hopes

that you feel the same way.

I lie awake at night waiting for

the pain to go away.

I spend my days praying

that you will write back.

I bide my time trying to di

my memories of your face, your smile your laugh

and the feeling of your hand in mine.

Touchdown

I was thinking about this guy I fell in love with.

He kinda sorta broke my heart.

He thought we were friends the whole time.

I told him to go long and I threw a pass; I'm still waiting for the touchdown. 

Some stuff went down that, to me, means something. Also, he's not the monogamous type, so that's a con. Too bad I ignore all the bad things, regardless of how detrimental they are. 

And now that song, that garage, that movie, that outfit, that country, all remind me of him and hurt so bad that I have to hold myself together at night for fear of falling apart.

I'm falling down the rabbit hole and I'm screaming for you to throw the god damned rope down but you just can't seem to hear me. Listen, Damnit! I'm screaming for you, so pay attention!

It's ALL for you. So come and get it...

Soliloquy to a Broken Heart

I cry myself to sleep at night because I tell myself that I’m over you. I know that it’s not true. I will never stop loving you, ever. But everybody says it’s hopeless, regardless of what I think. Terror fills every ounce of my body at the thought of losing you and I shake at night with sobs over you. I suppose I have a distorted perception of what you should  say of do when we see each other next because I’ve seen it in my dreams so many times, but I know that it will be perfect, just because you are there. In drama class, when we have to recite a monologue about love, I always picture you and it puts me at ease. You are 400 miles away, yet able to make me feel this way. I don’t care if you never think about me or if you don’t lie awake at night the way I do. As long as you know who I am and know how I feel, I’m okay. Just don’t ever forget me and know that I will never give up. I tell myself that the reason food has no taste is because I’m stressed or that that’s why I can’t sleep, because of stress. But it’s you, it’s always you. It will always be you, no matter what. Because I love you. Unconditionally and irrevocably, I love you.

Try.Hate.Lie.

I try to figure out why you act so coy or why you can’t see it.

I hate that you are so protective and strive to keep it a secret.

I lie to save my true emotions for someone who actually cares.

The way you act makes me think you’re two different people who are kin to Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde.

You lock it up and shy away to test the murky waters.

But all I want and all I need is someone who wants it back and someone who actually cares.

And so far? That someone isn’t you.

Turning Point

How long will it take for you to

figure out that I cherish every moment we

spend together?

Every bad joke, every awkward silence

Every hug given and tear shet

Make my year, day, month, week, hour.

Why?

            Because they remind me of you.

                                                    of us.

                                                    of what we could have been.

                                                                      should have been.

 

                                    …but weren’t.

The one

You were the first one. The only one. 

You were the one that made me smile when I was down and could make me cry just by saying goodbye.

You said hello and my whole day got just a little bit better.

And now I cry and cry waiting for you to call but it's like you don't really want to change.

I wonder if you ever loved me at all.

What you were

This isn’t you! Good god! You just don’t go and become a completely different person! What happened? You were:

-nice

-sensitive

-funny

-caring

and it’s all gone in place of a guy who makes off-color jokes and ignores me. I miss you, the real you, so why are you putting on this ridiculous show?

Attachment

I wish I hadn’t gotten so attached to you or at least, the ideal of us. If I hadn’t gotten so attached then I would have spare time or thoughts to myself. Now whenever I have any time alone all I think of is your eyes and us. Your blue eyes and smile that still makes me weak in my knees, even though you have someone else. Speaking of someone else, why would I help you get the girl? I want to be the one you sweep off her feet and carry off into the sunset, so why would I lift someone else onto the back of your horse? I need to put being your girlfriend before being your friend. I need to hold on to that glimmering thread of hope. It sparkles when I think about it and is so promising that it’s blinding. Do you see it too?