Or that my shirt wasn't quite low enough.
Or that I waited too long before I told him how I felt.
Something that SHE deleted! I'm not sure if I should be shocked by her actions or thankful for her giving me a second chance. I almost drove him away but she hit the reset button on us. But what if I didn't want her to push it? What if I wanted him to reject me because at least then I could have had the satisfaction of a legitimate answer. It's been three years and all I've gotten has been vague "maybe"s and the "what-if"s start to pile up in my head and all I want, no: need, is a rubber stamp yes or no. A satisfying, fufilling yes or no. I need legitimacy in my life, not being stuck in limbo. I'm in a place where I'm not sure if I want you, hate you or need you because that opinion changes day to day. I want you when I watch Twilight because I feel your hand in mine but it also makes me hate you because I cry whenever I watch it and you aren't there. And I need you when I'm alone and I think of something that would make you smile that smile that makes me weak in the knees and makes my whole day just a little bit brighter. I always say to people and to myself that "I've moved on, I'm over him, don't worry" but without a definite answer I'm never positive in what I say. The words just sort of fall out and right after I say them I want to pull them back in, like the magicians that stuff the huge long scarf into their mouths then pull it back in really fast.
Can I be a magician? Then I can just make you appear and make you be in love with me and make it all happy! right?
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